Fei's Fantabulous Journal of Giving No Fucks #ZFG (tm)

[fei]

There's two pretty lengthy confessionals in my "pre-game" section, but I suppose it's time to officially start this thing. 

[fei]

Episode 1

I'm thinking back to how I've been acting this round and feel like I may have been somewhat careless in my chats thus far. 

However, last night, I think I may have let my guard down a bit too much. First off, I let Jedda's Australian accent lure me into a conversation more like ones that I would have with Kieran (<3) I need to fucking remember that not all Australians are that uber loyal person who will stick by your side regardless of what you say (and regardless of how much you imitate/make fun of Aussies). After the major group voice chat dispersed, Jedda and I got into a private video convo and he started asking me what I thought of people in the cast. For some reason, I felt comfortable enough to engage in a pretty candid conversation with him (Brookie is annoying, Lexie is sweet but untrustworthy blah blah). I don't know what made me lose my head! Then, I went and invited Gee to come. Like HELLO, could I be a little more obvious? I'm pissed at myself because I'm trying to be pretty careful about how much I associate myself with the people who I have previous connections with, namely Gee. In the group chats, I've even been trying to call him Greg (gross) which I would never do and am trying to not give any hints that we're connected. 

Then! I invited Zack to come in and chat with us. Ugh, like could I be any more obvious? "HEY COME INTO THIS CHAT WHERE PEOPLE ARE ALREADY TALKING" "LET ME GO AHEAD AND REVEAL TO YOU EXACTLY WHO I'VE BEEN TALKING TO." I blame it on the exhaustion from 2 major events, plus some personal crap this week. 

Today during the day seemed a bit quieter. I got a chance to talk Jeffy a bit, as well as Cody. Jeffy was niceish, smart, but struggled to hold the conversation. I liked Cody/Animal and think that he might be good to work with later on? I connected with Tabatha and then finally with Woods and one-on-one with Ricky. So I think the only person I'm missing at this point is Jordan.  Honestly, it's too soon to tell about nearly everyone in this cast whether or not they'll be useful to me. The best I can do now is just be social, and put a placeholder for myself in people's minds. 

Something that Aaron has been paranoid about is the potential for certain Tengageders to have a relationship with each other. Since I don't know shit about Tengaged I have no idea how plausible this theory is. What I do know is, typically when there's someone (or a group of people) in a game that I view as a threat to me or that might come after me, I try to make friends with someone indirectly that would influence that person or group. In this case, I feel like my inroads with the Tengageders will be Zack and maybe Jeffy. IF, in fact there's overriding relationships with that group, then a couple solid relationships should help keep me safe for the time being. 

[fei]

Also, I'm drunk

[fei]

After this morning's "fun" announcement I'm both a bit relieved and a bit concerned.

The good: From posting, it seems like for the time being and the most part, challenges will be individual, or perhaps a post-merge reward challenge group thing. If you're someone who tends to be more visible and is seen as a THRAT this gives you a lot more personal power to put yourself in a good position.

The bad: I SUCK AT CHALLENGES Ok, that's not quite true. I'm ok with your photo scavenger hunt or roast or creative tribe pride challenge. But anything having to do with speed, puzzles, trivia, basically anything that involves being a real ORGer always has me stumped. This also means that it will be a while until any semblance of tribes emerges, which means instead of letting the game dictate who I'll work with. I have to figure that out for myself.

So just now I bit the bullet and went to Lexi and said it'd be cool to work together. She accepted, of course, but then came to me with a second proposition.

[12:48:35 PM] zzzzlexi.: So I've talked to brookie and jeff and I, and we have an idea, and we'd like to know if you think its smart and would work with us. because if us 4 work together on the challenges together and get in the same tribe each time 4/7 will be majority, so even if we do suck
[12:48:39 PM] zzzzlexi.: wed be safe

Like ok, I know via Zack that Brookie and Jeff are both Tengageders. So I may have unwittingly stumbled across the Tengageder alliance that Aaron is so paranoid about. And they want me as their 4th on their threesome. I may have given Lexi too much credit, because I feel like saying: "SAY, WANNA JOIN OUR THING THAT WE ALREADY HAVE GOING ON WITH THE THREE OF US?" I do feel a bit validated that my detective sleuthing turned out to be somewhat accurate.

I, of course, said yeah that sounds good, when in reality I am like...why the fuck should I potentially come out with a shitty challenge performance because of y'all? Especially if I'm the 4th in your super tight group. To be honest, the only person I'm interested in that group is Lexi, but if this is the company she keeps then blech.

I hummed and hawed about it and then ultimately decided to go to Aaron with the information, because let's face it: without a tribal stage, and a means to Skype voice chat, Aaron basically should need to work with me right now. I brought him the information, under the pretense that since we both seemed to hit it off with Lexi, I thought she might be good to bring in. He revealed that Lexi had outed Jeff as the mastermind who had "threatened" the Tengageders and forced them to work together. I kinda think that it's bullshit, I think Lexi is the master. Aaron and I talked about how I should finesse this situation. Like, I'm not sticking my neck out for like Brookie and Jeff at this point, and Lexi I'm now intensely skeptical of. I think what might end up happening is I end up working with Aaron, Greg, Joe, and maybe Jermaine, since nobody wants to touch the winners. For this challenge, I'll try my best (maybe work with someone smarter than me like Aaron) submit whenever and then just let the tengaged trio know slightly after, since time is a factor. If they are dawdling, I know they're just trying to isolate me on the bottom to get me out.

I need to keep repeating my mantra "No fucks given, no fucks given" as a reminder to myself to relax and stop being so fucking paranoid. Just put on my metaphorical Chargers hat and sunglasses and ride wit it. 

[fei]

Thank you viewer Bryan for introducing me to this song. Perfect song to help me relax...

No matter where I goooo, I see the same hooooos. 

[fei]

Potential "working groups" Master List

Who I trust implicitly/Chronically Offensive Alliance: Priority of working with = HIGH 
Me
Aaron 
Greg
Joe

• Edited Beginning of Episode 2: We haven't had a chance to test this yet, however these are still the guys I trust the most and we seem in agreement. I think all these guys know how I like to play, so they could be playing ME with how into it they are but whatever. Gee's and my connection is quite visible thanks to my bumbles on night 1 (probably spread by Zack). As far as I know, though, my connections with Aaron and Joe are less known. Aaron's being a bit emo because of the first challenge, and I'm seeing whispers of old, inactive, apathetic ORG Aaron creeping through. Bitch better not give up. 

The Tengaged Trio + Me on the Bottom: Priority of working with = LOW. Really only if I have to. 
Me
Lexi
Brookie
Jeff

• Edited Beginning of Episode 2: I'm fairly certain Lexi doesn't trust me right now, and I suppose there's no reason for her to as I never had intentions of working with her via this group. Perhaps with time she'll come around. I still like her, but she's hiding her suspicions of me quite terribly right now so I need to keep my distance. 

Random thing to serve as buffer for higher priority stuff (possibly returnees thing?): Priority of working with= MEDIUM HIGH (to protect high)- This came about as a result of Joe not being in the DavidNex proposal. I need someone else to be working for my interests. 
Me 
Jermaine
Joe
TBD 4th?
TBD 5th

• Edited Beginning of Episode 2 This thing hasn't germinated yet. I want it to, but with me being viewed how I'm being viewed now I need to watch it with the deals. I think once I come out of the woodwork I need to work Jermaine a bit harder to solidify something with Joe and make him trust me. I may need him later when 7DS falls through. See below.

DavidNex's Proposal Seven Deadly Sins #7DS: Priority of working with = MEDIUM
Me
David
Jermaine
Nicole 
Brenda
Ricky
Greg
+Aaron (added by Brenda, not me, which was a nice surprise thank god.)

• Edited Beginning of Episode 2 Guess Aaron's not in this afterall. As for the group as a whole, Nax (fuck, have I been calling him Nex?) has proposed a core 4 of Himself, Ricky, Greg, and Me. I'm fairly certain this is just because he suspects Gee and I are close, but it's a good thing to think about. I'm actually fairly certain that Greg and I are actually on the bottom here, with David/Ricky as the core, using Jedda as an inactive buffer on the side. Nax I think also has a close thing with Brenda. He told me that he was suspicious of her, which actually means to me he's trying to throw me off the track. I think Nicole is smartly playing a backseat role. My suspicion is Nax:Brenda::Ricky:Nicole, which would leave Jermaine as a pseudo swing. If I don't pull him in at the right time, he'll swing away from Gee/Me. See above. Ricky, I think is playing the game that I would be playing if I were a better player. He always seems to know what's going on. I've heard he's loyal, though, so I hope that I'm with him, rather than against him, at least for now. 

The While You Were Out Proposal (brought to me by Zack, orchestrated by Woods): Priority of working with = Medium (in terms of collective like/maybe trust this group is better for me. However, I haven't talked to Woods AT all. The group is also smaller, which means that if I backstab the other Medium group I'm making more enemies). 
Me
Greg
Aaron
Zack
Jedda 
Animal
Woods

• Edited Beginning of Episode 2 Was I supposed to bring in Greg and Jedda, 'cause I didn't. Whoops! I'm clearly on the bottom here. The think I'm banking on is Aaron's connection with Woods to make sure I'm in the know here. Someone in this group talks more than I think. Maybe Animal or Zack. Game plan here is to, when I come out of the woodwork, continue friendly social/benign strategic convos with Animal and Zack. I like Zack a lot but I feel like he's playing a Mole right now so I'd rather not reveal too much. Animal is an odd duck who I'm just not sure about. I'll let Aaron take care of Woods. 

Wildcards: Quanz, Jordan

• Edited Beginning of Episode 2 Of the people I haven't mentioned above, these are the two I feel like I need to keep an eye on. Perhaps it's just the fact that they're returnees, so I know they have at least somewhat good skills. Jordan seems like he's trying to stay out of things until he needs to. I haven't seen him on at all. He's probably got a friend on the inside somewhere, maybe Ricky, so that he'll know when to reemerge. Quanz is kinda just there for me right now.

Goddesses: Honey

[fei]

From the shit storm of deals in my worksheet, you'd think I'm totally masterminding things, wheeling and dealing--but I swear I'm not! The only people who I've said "It'd be cool to work together" are: Lexi, Aaron/Joe/Greg, Jermaine, and Zack. With David, I just asked a simple question:

[9/14/2013 2:17:58 PM] David : You have a good idea with the group challenge cooperation thing. You just need a group you think you can rely on.
[9/14/2013 2:18:07 PM] fei: mhm
[9/14/2013 2:18:51 PM] David : And if that group is large enough, you're a lot less likely to wind up on the bottom.
[9/14/2013 2:19:04 PM] David : Of course, larger groups mean more chances of betrayal, I guess.
[9/14/2013 2:21:32 PM] fei: This early on, i think the need for safety outweighs the desire to betray
[9/14/2013 2:21:58 PM] David : Assuming rational play, definitely.
[9/14/2013 2:22:07 PM] David : I'm not seeing a ton of "rational" in this cast, though.
...
[9/14/2013 2:23:41 PM] fei: so hypothetically
[9/14/2013 2:23:59 PM] fei: i mean
[9/14/2013 2:24:03 PM] fei: you seem pretty rational
[9/14/2013 2:24:06 PM] fei: comparatively
[9/14/2013 2:24:07 PM] fei: LOL
[9/14/2013 2:24:21 PM] David : I like to think I am
[9/14/2013 2:24:28 PM] fei: who could you see yourself maybe trusting
[9/14/2013 2:24:41 PM] fei: that would hopefully not get too involved in the drama

Next thing I know I get thrown into these huge groups of people. I would NEVER by choice divide my loyalties so starkly at the beginning of a game.

However, I've been thinking and repeating my mantra. And now that I' m lost in this sea of working groups/pseudo alliance dealies, I'm actually feeling ok.

Because you know what? It's all a fucking wash. I have to assume that everyone is trying the same thing that I am, which is trying to create some semblance of security and just making everything more complicated. Is much to early to put stock in any of these relationships (sans maybe Chronically Offensive). And if my back's to the wall, I can always just say, "welp, I didn't talk to __________ much and blah blah" or "that's the way the vote was going and I had to save myself." I don't need to worry about orchestrating the challenge or working with too many people, because the web of relationship is so tangled at this point it's about the same as having no relationships at all.

So whatever.

[fei]

As a "veteran" (still sorta wtf to call myself that). I should know better than to go into a challenge guns blazing. It could be the heightened paranoia from no tribes, the suggestion that this was speed based, or my insecurity with proboards, but I just blazed like the first 9 cages (with some help from my respective working groups) and unlocked them without posting pics. For fuck sake, Fei. Didn't we learn our lesson about reading directions in Offensive 9?

I still maintain my original Jim Lynch pic was amazing though. <3 Sorry if I seemed bitter, hosts!

Anyway, it seems that a lot of people had trouble with this challenge, so it will be interesting to see the hierarchy of fucking up.

I have some friends I hope will keep me safe. Let's just hope they ended up around the same place I did.

[fei]

THANKS DAVID FOR SHOWING THAT WE WERE IN A SECRET CHAT! YOU JERK!

[fei]

Dear Hosts and Viewers,

I swear this is not sucking up. However, I sincerely apologize for how this cast is acting so petty for just the first challenge. WE ALL effed up, frankly everyone should be going to TC.

Grow up y'all, it's an ORG.

Love, Fei

[fei]

I HAVE NO IDEA HOW THAT HAPPENED BUT ILL TAKE IT!

[fei]

Episode 1 Wrap Up

All things considered this round went pretty ok for me. Looking at how the tribes shook out, I'm fairly confident that the people that I'm most interested in working with are safe. And, if not, I am and that's what matters.

The whole David posting out group chat thing is a bit of a bumble. And I'm not sure I handled it as gracefully as I could have. I was still on an adrenaline high when Animal pointed it out and I know I just said all the wrong stuff and made a huge deal out of it when I could have just let it slide. I'm hoping that it's still early enough to where that kinda shit won't matter, and that the group is big enough, and the tribes are small enough to where it'd be hard to target any one of us for that. Still though, I went ahead on Tinypic and reported it as "offensive content" cause that shit is offensive to my game. 

[Sandy]

LMAO FEI you reported that picture I am dying.

[fei]

Episode 2

So I have a confession to make for this...erm...confessional.

Despite my resolution to give zero fucks, I have a SERIOUS, and I mean SERIOUS fear of missing out (#FOMO)

This is the reason that I'm online all the time. I don't want something exciting to happen and I miss it. I'm interested in people's lives and what they're up to. It's the reason I get into random alliances, and deals, and the like, and people think I'm a shady shadester when really I just like talking to people and knowing what's going on in their lives! 

Today for instance, I just wanted to talk to Lexi, and shoot the breeze a little bit. Then all of a sudden I bring out "sorry about Jeffy" and next thing I know I'm spiraling down down down into the whirlpool of verbal vomit, wherein I'm justifying being in more than one group chat for the challenge. UGH. Now I'm pretty sure Lexi trusts me -1000%. Whoops. 

Another example is today a casual conversation between Nax and I resulted in a sub deal on the Seven Deadly Sins (#7DS) group between himself, Ricky, Gee, and Me. All because I had to keep poking and prodding and asking questions. And, as I had feared, mine/Gee's connection is quite visible--I'm guessing because of Zack? 

Like #1, if someone says "Let's work together!" What the heck am I gonna say? No? Before I know it, I'm in 3 group chats and rumors are spreading that I'm just being sneaky and playing all sides. My fucking #FOMO has me looking like I'm trying to play on all sides when really all I am is too present and available. Along with ScreenCapGate, I really do not need ANY more shit about me making it's way through this game. 

So what I really need to do right now is lay low. Quit signing on Skype at work. Sign on as invisible at home and only talk to a few people. Sit on my fucking hands and step away from the computer. I do NOT need to be visually present every second of the day. I do NOT need to bring up the game in every conversation I have. For serious though, guys, this is like alcoholic giving up booze. Right now I am talking to Aaron and seeing all the shit going on in the Base camp and the people who are on Skype and I'm just itching to go type up a storm and start digging my grave.




The upside is, it seems like the next challenge will be some sort of photo scavenger hunt, which is one of the like, 3 ORG challenge staples that I can actually do, so I'm excited. The fact that it's being posted so early while I'm still at work and it seems like we'll be claiming items, or lists of items, to complete is a bit worrisome, but as long as the remaining items aren't impossible (ie. riding a real hippo, hugging US President Obama...) I don't give a crap about embarrassing myself for this. 

[Deleted]

There was one task where you had to fly out here, take a picture of me doing the crab along the Thames while you throw gang signs with a banana in your mouth.

1 zillion points.